the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
