When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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