I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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