I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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