just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
