I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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