Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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