Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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