are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
