Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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