glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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