dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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