Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
