The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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