Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
