If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize