I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
