I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
