Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
