They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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