i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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