If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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