Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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