if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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