he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
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And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
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I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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