Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
