apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
love makes seman taste better
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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