Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
