I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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