I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
