In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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