he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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