I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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