god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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