A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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