I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
