nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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