I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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