I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Randomize
