Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
