Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
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