im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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