Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
