What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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