Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
