The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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