Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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