if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
