I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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