He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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