Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
