ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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