Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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