I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
