I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
whose parrot is this?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
