i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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