this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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