you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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